“Always the Villain?” Rethinking the Common HR Coping Narrative to Lead with Empathy and Strategy
Introduction
The first time I had to terminate an employee was nerve-wracking. I didn’t want to be the “bad guy,” even though it was a necessary decision (and a great Billie Eilish song…) since this individual’s performance hadn’t improved despite intensive coaching and support. When I confided in my HR Business Partner, she gave me advice that many of us in HR and leadership roles have probably heard at some point in our careers:
“Sometimes you’ll end up being the villain in someone else’s story, and there’s not much you can do about it.”
This phrase, or some version of it, is common among HR professionals and people leaders. It’s often shared by more seasoned professionals to help us cope with the emotional toll of difficult decisions like terminations, layoffs, and disciplinary actions–actions that are, ultimately, essential for business health and long term success. While this mindset can be a useful coping tool, overreliance on it can unintentionally limit our growth as leaders and hinder the kind of empathetic, strategic talent management that organizations truly need.
The Value and Limitations of the “Villain” Coping Mechanism
There’s a reason this narrative sticks: it speaks to a very human need for emotional resilience. HR professionals and managers are people too, and creating emotional distance from tough personnel actions is sometimes necessary to keep going. This mindset can help us set healthy boundaries and avoid taking business decisions personally, or raking ourselves over the coals for making necessary cuts to ensure the overall health and success of the business.
Used sparingly and intentionally, the “villain” mindset can help professionals maintain composure and professionalism. It acknowledges that even well-reasoned, ethical decisions can be perceived negatively, and that’s okay (and often unavoidable).
But like any tool, it has its limits. When this mindset becomes a reflexive response, it can start to dull our ability and our willingness to reflect, evolve, and improve. Worse, it can cause us to depersonalize employee experiences, miss or dismiss important feedback, and overlook patterns that point to deeper leadership or cultural issues.
When Coping Becomes a Crutch
When we lean too heavily on this mindset to justify a string of negative outcomes (or to avoid difficult questions) it can cause HR to slip into a reactive, transactional role. We stop being proactive strategists and start functioning as more passive order-takers.
This is where real risk begins. Ignoring recurring complaints or dismissing a pattern of exit interviews as “just disgruntled employees” can blind us to problematic leadership behaviors. Over time, this erodes trust, damages culture, and leads to the loss of top talent, often leaving burned out teams and bruised morale in its wake.
At its worst, overuse of the villain narrative coping mechanism can turn HR into an enabler of toxic leadership rather than a catalyst for positive change.
The Role of Empathy and Perspective-Taking
What’s the antidote? Empathy.
Empathy isn’t just a soft skill, it’s a strategic advantage. HR professionals are uniquely positioned to see the full picture: the needs of employees, the pressures of leadership, and the goals of the business. Our role demands a holistic perspective that weighs each decision through multiple lenses.
That starts with getting curious. Before making a difficult call, ask:
How will this impact the individual?
What will it mean for the team?
Is this truly a performance issue, or a systemic one?
Are we treating the symptoms, or addressing the cause?
Empathy also requires introspection. Being present with our own discomfort and emotions doesn’t make us weak; it makes us thoughtful. It helps us act with empathy, not just talk about it.
When we ground ourselves emotionally, we’re more likely to lead with clarity, compassion, and fairness and in turn we find that even the toughest moments can be opportunities to build trust and demonstrate transparency and compassion.
From Coping to Leading: The Strategic HR Mindset
So where do we go from here?
The first step is to shift the perception of HR from enforcer to enabler. From fire-fighter to forward-thinker. Instead of reacting to burnout, we must act to prevent it. Instead of writing policies to contain problems, we should build frameworks that empower people to thrive.
Start with the data:
Track attrition trends, feedback from exit interviews, engagement and performance metrics. Read the company’s Glassdoor reviews, though take them with a grain of salt.
Identify patterns. Where are we losing great people? Who are our most effective leaders and what are they doing differently?
Use those insights to train managers in emotionally intelligent leadership and constructive feedback while tailoring your leadership development program to the wider needs of the business.
With more emotionally attuned and data-informed leaders, organizations can create psychologically safe environments where people feel heard, valued and supported. In these cultures, speaking up is welcomed, accountability is expected, and talent sticks around for the long haul.
Conclusion
It’s okay to feel like a villain sometimes–but don’t let that feeling stall your growth. The “vilain” coping mechanism might help you sleep at night, but it shouldn’t be a substitute for reflection or a barrier to evolution and growth.
Strategic HR leadership means balancing hard choices with compassionate thinking. It means being brave enough to question the status quo, even when it’s uncomfortable. And it means building a reputation and an employment brand that’s rooted in fairness, empathy, and integrity.
So next time someone tells you, “sometimes you’ll end up the villain in someone else’s story,” take it as a moment to pause and reflect. Then, rise above the narrative and lead the way in building a people-first, future-focused HR practice where empathy and strategy go hand in hand.